The hardest day as a mom

Today was my hardest day as a mom yet.

Mia has been sick since Wednesday afternoon, so this morning we headed to the doctor. Her regular doctor was out of town, so she had to see a new doctor in his office. Her fever's been pretty high, but he said she isn't showing signs of the four main types of infection (ear, throat, lungs and meningitis). He said he was worried about her heart murmur. He told me that the cardiologist might have missed something and she could have a blood infection. Scary!

So she had to have blood drawn. I felt so scared. The nurse taught me how to clamp down and hold her still, and then she sent me to the hospital. I was nervous. Mia felt so sick that she just sat quietly on my lap, a rarity now that she has turned 1.

I wrapped my arms around her, held her tight and whispered shh into her ear while she screamed. She jerked her head back until she could see me. "Maamaamaamaaa!" I couldn't do anything. I cried. I tried not to let her see me, but I sobbed. She twisted and screamed, and the blood draw seemed to last for minutes, minutes, minutes. The nurse pulled the rubber tie off her arm and then took the needle out of her arm. I eased my grip. She spun around on my lap and clung to me. I held her close and rocked. She popped her thumb in her mouth until her cries subsided. They wrapped a tiny bandage around her arm while I kept crying. (You can see her tiny little bandage. So sad!) :(

It was the saddest day by far. At least she was braver than I was.